Beam Me Up, Scotty
by Rhiannon A. Christy
Summary: Tony's tinkering in his workshop results in the creation an unexpected device. Excited, Tony doesn't take the time to really think of the consequences.


_Click…click….tap….bang...bang…bang….CRASH!_

"Sir, I'm not sure….."

"Fuck off JARVIS. I know what I'm doing."

_Click…click….tap…..bang…bang…bang….bangbangbangban gbangbangBANG!_

"Sir, are you sure you should be tinkering with Asgardian technology?"

"I thought I told you to fuck off. I know what I'm doing, Thor wouldn't have given this…._thing_…to me if he thought I couldn't handle it."

_Click….click….whir…whir…buzz…SNAP!_

"Well, fuck, I'm not sure that was suppose to do that."

"Sir, maybe now would be a good time…."

"JARVIS, say another word and I'll recode your programs and you'll spend the next month sounding like Donald Duck."

_Click…click…click…clickclikclikclik…FWAP!_

"Um, ok now I know it wasn't suppose to do that."

* * *

Phil Coulson groaned. His day was about to take a turn for the worse. It had started out well enough. He had woken up, the warmth of his wife curled tightly against his side. He had taken a few minutes to wonder at his luck in actually capturing the heart of the young woman in his bed. It had been a year since they were married and he still couldn't believe it.

Things were actually looking up by that point. Way up, as Darcy had woken up and proceeded to give him his favorite good morning greeting. Breakfast had been perfect, the sun had been shining, and Darcy had promised to make her famous grilled meatball pizza for dinner.

Phil had been looking forward to his day, that was until Tony Stark barged into his office wearing the biggest smile he had ever seen. And in Phil's experience, whenever Tony smiled like that, nothing good would come of it.

Tony stood in front of Phil's desk, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet like an excited child. He wore nothing but a pair of dirty sweat pants and a wife beater, the glow of his reactor showing through the thin material. If it hadn't been for the smile, Phil would have thought something had happened. Tony was covered in dirt from head to toe. A few scrapes here and there, dried blood crusting over them. He looked like he had been through hell.

"Mr. Stark, may I ask what has happened?" Tony's smile dropped for a moment at his address. The man had many times expressed his desire for Phil to call him by his name, but he had yet to. It wasn't that he had anything against being on a first name basis with any of the Avengers. In fact Stark was the only one he still called by his last name. Darcy had gotten after him many times, but his job wasn't normally entertaining, and that one small thing made Phil smile. Even if no one but Darcy would ever see that smile.

"I have created a device that will revolutionize travel. Ok, well at least for the Avengers." Phil raised an eyebrow, sitting back in his chair. He waved a hand out as if to say 'continue' and waited.

"I call it Scotty." Tony produced a silver ring from his pocket. Phil looked from the ring to Tony, and figured that the metal man had finally lost it.

"Mr. Stark, it is a ring." Tony nodded and slipped the ring on his right hand. He gave Phil a smirk as he produced a small black box and sat it on the desk. Phil gave the thing a curious once over.

It was small, no larger than a pill box. It was short, squat, completely black with a black button on top. Phil looked back up at Tony, wondering what exactly the man was planning. If he pressed the damn button and a black light lit up he was going to set Hawkeye on him.

"A ring and a box. Mr. Stark if this is one of your jokes, I do not have the time." Tony shook his head and walked towards the door.

"No joke. Now, after I leave the room, wait five minutes and then press the button." Phil leveled a blank stare at Tony. Seriously? If the stupid thing blew up he would sic Nat on him.

Before Phil could say anything, Tony had left and shut the door. For the next five minutes Phil sat there unsure about the box in front of him. On one hand, Tony was playing some sort of practical joke and JARVIS was recording it for viewing later. On the other hand, Tony was sincere and he actually had stumbled upon something.

Phil opened his desk drawer, pulled out his gun and set it on the desk top. Should anything untoward happen, he would be shooting Tony himself.

He looked at his watch, hand poised over the button. Five seconds left….four….three…two…one. His hand pressed down on the small button. For what seemed like an eternity, Phil sat there waiting for something to catch fire or blow up. Nothing did. When something finally happened, it was so far from what Phil had been expecting he actually sat there with his mouth hanging open.

Within seconds of pushing the button, Tony Stark appeared two feet away from the little black box. Out of thin air.

"So, what do you think? No more worrying about sending the Assassin Twins on missions or anything. Now whenever some big baddie shows up, push the button and bippity boppity boo, instant Avengers!" Tony actually looked like a kid that had just told his parents that he had gotten straight A's. Phil shut his mouth, sat up straighter, and thought that for the first time Tony might have actually created something that was useful.

* * *

Phil sat in a chair at the conference table on the helicarrier, his eyes transfixed on the little black box that had become a permanent fixture on the table since Tony had given it to Fury a week before. Fury of course had been delighted with the device. Anything that made it easier to contact and gather the Avengers when needed, made Fury a very happy man.

Now though, Phil was wondering on the appropriateness of 'Scotty.' Sure, Washington was under attack. They needed the Avengers and only Tony wasn't there at the moment.

"I think, Coulson, that this might be the best time to try Mr. Stark's new device." Fury leveled a look at Phil, the one that said 'I'm the big man on campus, defy me and you will feel my wrath.'

"Sir, we probably should contact him first." Fury seemed to glare harder.

"Fine, but we haven't much time. If he doesn't answer within a minute, push the button." Phil nodded, picked up the phone and dialed.

* * *

"To…ah Tony, your phone iiiiiisssssss ringing!"

"Ignore it baby."

"W-what if it is…AH…important?"

"Pepper, Baby, nothing is more important right now than this."

"But….AH FUCK!…Tony….Tony…..Tony? Where the hell did you go?"

* * *

Phil hung up the phone when he realized that Tony wasn't going to answer. Fury raised his brow and Phil let out a breath of air. He set his hand above the button and brought it down.

The room went silent when just seconds later Tony Stark landed in the middle of the table….well stark naked and obviously having just been ripped away from Pepper Pots.

Though it wasn't necessarily the naked and aroused man on the table that had everyone's jaw on the ground.

For, five seconds after Tony landed, Phil Coulson, the poster boy for stoic, burst out laughing.

* * *

Author's Note: Ok, so where the hell did this come from? Funnily enough, I had woken up with one of my migraines and later on in the afternoon when I went to lie down to get rid of it, I ended up half asleep and disoriented from the headache, and sort of dreamed about Tony Stark creating a transporter and getting transported naked in front of everyone.

While writing this I decided that this is actually a future shot for the Coulson/Darcy fic I'm working on and have yet to post. So, if anyone was wondering why Coulson was married to Darcy.

Also, digital toasted almond buttermilk pie to anyone who can tell me what the black button, black box, black light is in reference to.

Disclaimer:

**All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**


End file.
